Sunday, 1 January 2017

Building an Adult: Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll (Part one)


(less of the rock and roll and more about the drugs later). Yes, finally I am talking about the big guns, somethings I should have probably addressed a long time ago but could never be bothered and I didn't know how to tackle this post. Firstly I must warn you that I have a very open attitude about sex so if you feel embarrassed or upset about someone being open then maybe this isn’t the post for you. I am not going to be overly sharing my personal experiences quite yet - maybe some time in the future I will delve deeper into my relationships but I want to ease into this topic as it is quite a big one.

Let us start from the beginning, well I mean when I was 14 and sex and sexuality was what everyone was talking about, and not negatively. Before this age the majority of people in my year in school found it scandalous when someone did anything remotely sexual (but secretly everyone was a bit jealous). At this age I was still in that phase of ‘fight flirting’ where you can only seem to be able to communicate with boys through the means of insults and sulky looks - heaven forbid actually talking to them! 

At this age everyone is trying to figure themselves out: are they gay? straight? bi? confident? No one knows until they push themselves to the limit - which for me often ended with a teary conversation with my best friend in DT. Fast forward a year and everything has changed. People know what they want and they know how they are going to get it. Making out with someone was the norm, sending nudes was a Tuesday night chore and a hand job was a weekly occurrence. What happened over the course of this year was a clash of hormones and bored teenagers. When my friend told me she had given a guy she wasn't dating a hand job in her grans background it filled our conversations for weeks - everyone was fascinated with it. What was it like? Do you think you’ll have sex? Did he return the favour? And so on. Sexuality was no longer and insult but a badge to wear (if you wanted to).

I wasn’t a very confident person when it came to boys - I was interested in sex and them but I didn't know how to present myself in an appealing way. I wasn't confident enough in my own skin and didn't think anyone would ever find me attractive. But I was good on Facebook. Hours spent typing away to one boy in particular, sharing emotions, dreams but never my true feelings. When you’re 15 you can be blinded by your first ‘romance’ - regardless of how unhealthy it was I kept going back for more. 

A very close friend lost his virginity whilst I was still flirting with a computer screen. I was jealous (even though it was far from being a perfect story) and we sat there together in our local Costa begging him to tell us every single detail (which he did). This was the start of my friends sex life - we had WhatsApp groups dedicated to every graphic detail and regular Costa sessions where photos were shared over an Americano or two.

I always felt left out. I spent years wondering why I couldn't approach boys at parties and why was I so reluctant to meet up with people. I guess I didn’t want to break the idea that I had of them - it could arguably be better than reality. I wasn't until I was 17 that I had my first kiss, and 17 when I began to realise that I could be desired. Being in a relationship with the person has not really mattered to me - as long as I know them why should I wait to be romantically involved to have some fun? 

In 2016 teenagers and young adults are seen as people who only ‘hook up’. We are seen as people who are unable to have a relationship and only want sex but I do not think that is true. Societies goals are now different. The majority of women do not strive to get married young and have children by the time that they are 21, instead they want a degree, a high achieving job. They want to be the best and this may come at the cost of a proper relationship. People do not have time to slowly get to know people - it is why so many people are using Tinder where the best parts of persons personality are laid out in a couple of sentences. Love is swiped away in seconds because no one has time to find out more. 

Not that that is a bad thing. I know lots of people who are in relationships and it isn’t holding them back from achieving anything. I also know people who aren’t and are achieving their goals whilst having casual sex on the side. What separates the two? Probably what they’re into and what their favourite food item is but other than that nothing. If you want to hook up with ten people tonight then do it! If you are in a steady relationship and you are going to have very average sex tonight, then do it! If you are in a long term relationship but are saving your self for marriage and are going to enjoy each others company with wine and a film then do it! Enjoy yourselves, regardless of what you’re doing - just make sure to tell me over a Costa. I’ll pay.